It's happening right now! A Panic Attack.

This is the first time I am writing while having a full blown panic attack. This is insane, the amount of times I had to backspace to correct my spelling just because I am shaking so hard like I am having fits. The pain levels that I am experiencing currently is like a sweet 10/10! Usually I would have gone straight to the hospital whenever I felt this way but this time I am staying right here! If I don't post anymore after this it means that I really had a heart attack and died. So my current symptoms are chest pains on the left, close to the sternum and its sharp. I am actually concentrating on my breathing so much that I am only taking in like 6-8 breaths a minute which is making me dizzy as hell and probably adding to my chest pains due to non diaphramic breathing. Like Eminem said, "my palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are sweaty". No there isn't any vomit on my sweater yet but im feeling rather nauseous. My eyes are dry and blurry, heart rate is up and down still ain't too bad (was 142bpm a few minutes ago). Don't even want to go close to my blood pressure machine cause I know it would show a really stupidly spiked up blood pressure. I have my pills on standby but I don't want to take them because I want to be stronger and prove to myself that I can fight this without having to always rely on them. 

Well those are the symptoms I am currently dealing with now. Usually a full blown panic attack like the one I am having now dissipates in a few minutes and I am slowly calming down currently (It's taken me 15 minutes to type what I did in the last paragraph, too difficult to concentrate.) My muscles are so tensed right now that I am cramping up under my left armpit. Weird spot but it hurts like hell, you'd know if it has ever happened to you. My mind was being a pain in the ass for the last 15 minutes, telling me how I was going to die alone in my room, leaving my two children to fend for themselves without a father and my wife a widow. That's how stupidly irrational my mind becomes when I have attacks, I even thought my heart was going to explode internally due to the hard thumping and speed (is that even possible? DON'T GOOGLE IT DANESH!)

My body and mind is finally calming down, the beauty of writing out what I feel and reading my own thoughts on the screen gave me a better understanding of how irrational my mind was with it's clever tricks. I totally recommend it. I may still have slight pains in the chest which is probably due to all the muscle tension but I am breathing better now, I have lost that feeling of impending doom like I was going to die but I am totally exhausted, tired of all these attacks, this one in particular made me feel so lethargic and unhappy at the end of it. It has been going on for 8 years but I seem to be finding more and more ways of coping with my anxiety that I am actually hopeful this time round that I'll learn to manage it better or beat it entirely. Thank you for hearing me moan and blabber about my latest panic attack.

Remember, you are never alone.

Danesh Ettore Laino